The End-All List of Dumps - From Fart
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while, each of us
experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all
respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth
sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless
grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some
toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you
feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony
The Beer Dump
The Chili Dump
Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves.The chili dump stays with you all day, making
your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump
Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of
E13 telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a
friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it
come from?" You leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump
In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in
the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go
to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump
This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as
perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender
with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And
just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the
Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump
You're done...you reach for the toilet paper
only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A
mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could
use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are
the curtains?" Then what would you say? The
rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the
same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must
face...pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and
wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash Back Dump
You send the dump on its way, it drops like
a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of
cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a
startlingly unpleasant shock.Now you're wet and
embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump
You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT!
Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest
for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what
you gotta do.
The Caesarian Dump
Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.
The Alfresco Dump
Everyone has had to go outdoors from time totime.
This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the
nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our
primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this
harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump
This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough
Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump
The phrase "Sh-t Happens" really applies here in
a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with
your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd
be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because
you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in
a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump
You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump
You have enough on your mind when you're in the
bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in
to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing
spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot
against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump
For the most part you've completed your dump,
but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting
impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat
with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little
stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach
between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on
the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump
You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe? Maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Flu Dump
The Porta-Pottie Dump
Construction workers and outdoor concertgoers
will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description
would be, "Its like taking a sh-t in an upright coffin". Its
claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump
In the beginning, the lord created the earth,
the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump because
there is nothing biblical about it...you run out of gas. That's right,
you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your
barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you
wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two
choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine
and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist
and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to
be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too.
The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump
You flush the dump and the swirling motion of
the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping
a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue
hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump
Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump
This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.